Anxious Melancholy: A Post About Everything and Nothing (A Ramble)

The title of the post says it all. This is a blog update about everything and nothing. Since my last post, I was so busy at my job that I think I lost the ability to think properly. Each day, especially the final week before closing the winter term, was like: get up, barely eat anything, go to school, survive the classes, get lunch at a shopping mall, then come back to school for gruelling staff meetings or PTAs.

Thankfully, the winter break started a week ago and is going to last for nine more days, so I have plenty of time to get proper sleep and rest. Now, I think I may have too much free time, as a matter of fact. I was so happy that work hell was over that my mind somehow slipped into a melancholic pocket universe and awakened the inner demons hiding behind the prefrontal cortex.

Forgive me the flowery description; I just want to say that I’ve been struggling for the past week with extreme anxiety mixed with depression, caused by a sudden surge of hurtful memories. It got so bad at one point that I felt like an undead person. Family members were talking to me, but I couldn’t register what they were saying. I was just nodding, while my mind kept replaying the same horrible train of thoughts over and over again.

Thankfully, I managed to break the vicious cycle of compulsive overthinking. First of all, I reached out to a friend and confessed everything my soul was struggling with. It did provide great relief. Second, I started doing small chores, like editing my students’ work for a digital project they are working on.

Speaking of my students, a lot of the ones I’m teaching (and have a great rapport with) are about to graduate in a few months. Given the winter break, I decided to use this free time to prepare birthday cards for three students I’m really close with. But I didn’t just buy ready-made cards at a newsagent’s, I made them myself and even wrote short poems in Polish for good measure. This creative activity gave me further distraction, as well as satisfaction.

I wish I had the strength to fully work on my third novel. By fully, I mean sitting down every day and writing at least 500 words. But even if I manage that during the winter break, I know I would have to abandon this habit once I return to work. I need at least two months of summer vacation to resume proper writing. So far, I’ve written 2,700 words for the first draft.

As for other things, I’m still making my way through the aforementioned reading list (The House at Pooh Corner was thankfully completed) and some TV shows. I have yet to finish a few Tokusatsu series, such as KyuKyu Sentai GoGoFive and Ultraman Tiga. It’s crazy, because I only have a dozen or so episodes left, but I don’t binge them at all, just a couple per week.

Oh! Valentine’s Day is approaching: how (in)convenient, depending on who you ask. On my private fb profile, I shared my poem My Heart Is Her Place, and it became quite popular. In hindsight, I think it’s the best poem I’ve written about unrequited love. You can check it out here. That’s it for the moment in terms of an update. I hope it wasn’t too boring, but all in all, it was a ramble post.

Thank you for reading.

Image attribution: Private archive.